One of the regretful traits we Irish possess is savage begrudgery. Begrudgery has a long and venerable history in Ireland. If I had been made redundant and the wife left me, I’d have all manner of callers around bearing gifts and uttering encouraging words. I’d be kept a place beside the heater at Mass and punters would stand aside in the Post Office so that I could be served first. You wouldn’t find kindness like it in any corner of the globe. However, if I woke up one morning to find I’d been offered a decent job and beside me lay the most beautiful woman in Ulster, I’d be ignored, stepped on and blanked even by the PP at communion. That’s the nature of the beast in this part of the world and I’m no different. The pages in this vessel have been awash with Antrim this and Antrim that for this last month or two. They call it the feel-good factor. Well, dang it. Antrim, you should hang your head in shame.
It is an unwritten rule in Ulster that some counties are to concentrate in the football and others on the hurling in order for the games to progress up here in both codes. Really, it’s Antrim hurling and the rest football. That’s the way it has always been. It keeps the ship steady. Down and Derry got their just deserts a while ago when they perched above their station and thought they’d try their hands at the hurling after they won their All-Irelands in ’93 and ’94. Fair enough, they lifted a couple of Ulster hurling titles, but where are they now? Down haven’t seen an Anglo-Celt since ’94 and Derry in over a decade. Their hurling is nowhere to be seen when it really matters. They didn’t stick to the agreement and their football suffered. Antrim were aware of the same bargain. They were to keep the hurling flag flying in Ulster. This year they had the audacity to believe they could play a bit of football and what happens – it’s all over in mid-July for both codes. The hurlers have been on the receiving end of some unmerciful beatings ever since the footballers thought they might try their hand at winning something.
Although this may look from a distance as out-and-out old-fashioned begrudgery on my part, I’m also, in my capacity of renowned sage and an all-round brilliant mind, going to offer the Saffrons a way out of this dual-coded nightmare. This solution will go beyond just enhancing Ulster’s reputation on the hurling scene. It’ll build bridges and harmonise a large patch of land. Three words – hockey, polo, cricket. Whereas Kerry turned to basketball and Aussie Rules in order to lure Donaghy and Kennelly into their set-up, we need to tap into our natural resources and reach across to a community not normally associated with a third man tackle or sideline cut.
Let’s start with the polo. Sometimes you need Grande gestures in order to make a point. There’s no reason why Sambo cannot get on the email or lift a pen and write to Charles Windsor. Charlie is rarely out of the papers on his horse, bating away at a ball on the ground. He’s riding a horse and clashing the ash – even Shefflin would find that a cumbersome combination. Get Charlie to visit a Casement training session, on his horse with mallet in hand for dramatic effect. He could then take a two-hour session focussing on ground strokes and shooting accuracy. It would be a great coup too for the local political scene and perhaps you could combine it with Charles making some kind of gesture towards Roger Casement’s legacy.
You only have to watch the NI Saturday results service once to realise how much hockey is being played in the province every week. Teams like Annadale, Instonians and Lisnagarvey are horsing into each other for their equivalent of the Anglo-Celt. These lads grew up with stick in hand and some of their sideline cuts are fearsome. There are literally thousands of this human resource roaming the streets of Ulster right now. If Sambo had any ounce of forward thinking, he’d be touring the hockey grounds of Mossley, Bangor or Portadown and poaching the likes of Bruce McCandless, Drew Carlisle and Gordon Essex onto the Saffron senior side. These fellas would be cutting the sliotar over the black spot from the 45. That’d fairly put the shivers up Cody.
Finally, it takes some eye-hand coordination in order to deal effectively with a penalty or 21 in hurling. Against Antrim, the sloitar always seems to end up in the back of the net. In cricket, these fellas are on the receiving end of a 100mph ball every 60 seconds, and seem to be able to bat the thing a quarter of a mile away from the stumps. Our schools up here are littered with some handy cricketers. RBAI, BRA, Portadown College and Lurgan College are ideal hunting grounds for McNaughton to groom a few full backs and keepers. Just imagine three of these lads in goal facing a Mullane penalty. He’d hit it well but in the bat of an eyelid, young Bunting would not only have stopped it but by meeting the sloitar head on with a swing of the hurl, it’d be soaring over the halfway line, sending the saffrons on a surprise counter-attack.
So there you have it – the three steps to glory for Antrim and Ulster hurling. Pride restored. Forget about the football lads. And a word of warning for Tyrone – lifting the Lory Meagher Cup could a fatal move. Never forget the unwritten rule. It done for Down and Derry football as Antrim hurlers regress.
