The Boys From Mullaghboyne

THE BOYS FROM MULLAGHBOYNE
By Cusack

We will never see their likes again. I’m sure we’ve all heard, and probably uttered, that oft-abused cliché. Of course we’ll never see their like again as there is only one distinctive model of everyone. However, we often see a similar batch of beings a generation or two later. The Down side of the 60s were labelled unique. However, 30 years later another high-achieving Mourne crowd arrived and reached the summit. Cavan replicated their 30s success right up to the 50s with different players. Kerry keeps churning out ‘their likes’ at least once a decade. However, I can vouch for a side that I can assure you will never be mirrored in my lifetime or in any other – the Mullaghboyne squad of 1956.

Mullaghboyne was a quiet and quite surreal townland somewhere between the more illustriously industrial Cookstown and romantically quaint Ballinderry. Over the years it was gradually wiped off the face of the map for reasons I will soon address in his lengthy diatribe. The GAA club was founded in 1950 and they were well served by the local families in the area, the Dohertys, Mulligans, Bells and Faloons. Between them they had 20 boys and men capable of forming a relatively decent team that was immediately granted permission to compete in the Derry league, straight into competitive action in Division Four. In their first season they played 12 league games, winning them all by a healthy margin of no less than 16 points. The most noticeable characteristics of the Mullaghboyne side were their long kicking and high catching. Paddy Faloon, the keeper, could score points from his own goalmouth. Aidan Mulligan once kicked a ball from Ardboe to Moortown, with the ball bouncing just the once. Noel Bell could jump higher than anyone in Ireland, sometimes jumping over cars and tractors for the amusement of on-lookers at Sport’s Days or the like. Peader Doherty, against Limavady, jumped over a player on his way to scoring a point from 90 yards out. The Derry league had never seen such athleticism and many wanted to know what they were feeding the young in Mullaghboyne.

The following year the Derry County Board investigated the cultural aspects of the area when Mullaghboyne, now affectionately known as “The Mulla”, won the Division Three title winning 15 games out of 16. What the Council discovered made peculiar reading. A typical daily breakfast in the area included the meat from badger leg on brown bread, washed down with cuckoo spittle. On Sundays they didn’t eat meat but instead ate garden grass, pasted on top of a mixture of barley and buttermilk. A daily lunch would include fried mink and battered otter with side orders of pike eyes and pig trotters. Sunday lunch included the licking of a cow’s tail and honey. Although highly unusual, the County Board could spot no foul play and just put it down to some archaic Celtic customs that had remained untouched by modern-Ireland’s hand. By 1955 The Mulla had finally reached the top flight, squeaking past Knockloughrim in the Intermediate final. However, reports of a rather horrid nature were seeping through the country as to the physical appearance of the Mullaghboyne team.



The following report was taken from the Cookstown Chronicle at the end of 1955;

“I had the utmost pleasure of being asked to temporarily dwell in the townland of Mullaghboyne in the week leading up to the Intermediate final in order to soak up the local atmosphere. After one day I had to leave. My first, and as it turned out only, engagement was to witness the training regime of ‘The Mulla’ as they prepared for the biggest game in their history. As I watched from a rampart bank, the manager sounded his whistle to commence training. On cue, the players emerged from the changing hut, sprinting towards the midfield position. What greeted my eyes still haunts my nightmares once in a while. The most noticeable player was the captain, Petesy Doherty. At first I thought it was some attempt at a prank but when no one batted an eyelid, I almost collapsed with horror. Petesy seemed to be covered from head to toe with thick brown hair – similar to your man in Star Wars. Barely visible were his eyes and mouth. Although a good player, it seemed he was easily hauled back by the simple tugging of his flowing body hair. Their goalkeeper suffered from horrendous amnesia and often found himself making daisy chains or reading the Bible when facing a penalty or one-on-one goal chance. Another player, the corner forward, seemed to be growing wings, such was the amount of feathers left blowing in his wake as he sped towards goal. A final abnormality appeared when I conducted an interview with their prolific full forward, Terence Mulligan. Having asked him how he thought preparations were going for the final I looked up at him for a response. His eyes appeared to be rolling in his head as he uttered complete gibberish ‘She’s a quare size Peter, skin her and ate it.’ Unsurprisingly, I took to my heels and ran out of Mullaghboyne, and I’ll never return.”

Mullaghboyne completed only two matches in the senior grade. Having won the second, beating Lavey 0-16 to 1-6, the hairy captain was chased out of the ground by a bevy of knitting women. Apparently his unique body hair had been secretly cut by an opponent in the previous game and sold to the Priest’s maid who knitted a splendid tunic for the P.P. - which brought gasps of admiration from the local female fraternity. They all wanted this material and were prepared to hunt Doherty for it. The last that was seen of Petesy were his hairy heels sprinting towards Ballinderry with up to 300 women with pikes running after him. The keeper, Faloon had to retire as during the Lavey match, when the ball was at the other end, he took out a table and four mahogany chairs from behind his nets, placed them in the penalty area and laid on a supper of mink and milk for himself and the three full backs. He was substituted immediately. Jody Bell, the feathered corner forward, was reportedly floating in the air for high balls in, using his now apparent wings to an unfair advantage.

With the captain on the run from knitting women, the keeper admitted into an institution and the corner forward banned for unfair practices it was decided to wind up the club before other abnormalities were uncovered. Rumours had begun to circle about a player who forgot his own name, another who couldn’t forget anything, another who could only run and walk backwards and another who thought he was already deceased and risen from the dead. The club ceased to exist in March 1956, having won 98% of their matches. The area itself wasn’t even mentioned in the census of 1988 as families had either left, or just stopped breeding.

Who knows what they would’ve achieved. At the same time, the side-effects were bordering on dangerous. Was it the unique diet or just an unusual yet harmless generation of footballers from the Mulla? One thing’s for sure, Derry GAA wasn’t ready, and may never have been, for the Boys from Mullaghboyne.