2011 GAA Prospects

After years of campaigning, letter writing and general nuisance making, I finally received the call. When the letter arrived on Monday morning with the Dublin postmark I knew straight away that the men with the power had finally come to their senses. I have been given the position of general overseer of things in every county. They officially call me a trouble-shooter. My first remit is to sort out the footballing situation in Kilkenny with the target being a league point, or drawn game, in 2012. It’s a mighty task but one I’ve already begun looking into by finding jobs in the county for retired footballers from decent counties. The downside to this is that I have to leave aside all other GAA related business which includes this column so as not to compromise the secretive nature of my new career.

So as these are the last words I’ll compose for this fine organ, I thought it’d be in the best interests of our provincial hopefuls if I bluntly lay it on the line. Previous to this, I’ve had to hold my tongue as a negative reaction could harm the whole publication as well as endanger my being. Let us start with the Saffrons. This lot get my goat most of all. This is a county with an abundance of resources. Belfast is full of people. The glens of Antrim offer acres of fields to practice on. This county should be challenging Kerry and Kilkenny for the right to be labelled the Kingdom of Ireland. Yet what do they do with that space – open chip shops and fight amongst each other over the merits of city and country life. Baker Bradley looked like the man who’d sort that out and he did for a while. But rumours have surfed that the Glenullin man has succumbed to the delights of a steakette bap. It is a deep fried battered burger in a soft round bread roll. I have also been told he has started ‘slegging’ the city lads. It’s a great disappointment altogether and, in my new role, I would advise that the search needs to turn to a more fearsome character. Step up Martin Rogan.

Armagh I’m not so worried about. They’re slowly emerging from that permanent high under Joe Kernan. Armagh were always a once-a-decade team. Under Big Joe they were annual contenders, changing the mindset of the average Armagh supporter. They expected success and that didn’t sit well with me. There was something endearing about seeing old Armagh jerseys being pulled out from the attic when they’d win Ulster after a decade in the doldrums. Now, every Armagh fan has a new top. They boo when they lose and demand managerial change. Back in the day you could have managed the Orchard for twenty years, win one tournament and be labelled a legend. However, I feel the bad times are about to return and a sense of equilibrium will be established in the county. Nothing to be done here. As for Cavan, it’s a daunting task. I’d favour the Wexford model from the last few years who just got the ball to Mattie Forde and see how far he could take them. The same goes for Seanie Johnston. All Cavan needs is 14 hod carriers.

Derry need Baker. It’s as simple as that. Can you imagine the sons acting up? Could you even contemplate the Ballinderry players throwing a huff and sitting at home whilst the Oaks take on Laois in the league? Bradley used to prowl the lanes of Derry as a youngster, lord over all he viewed. It’d be like The Don returning to Milan after a 30-year exile to reclaim the old turf. Donegal may well be on the up under Jim McGuinness. I honestly hope he doesn’t attempt to change their natural ways in the process. There’s something unique about a team winning matches with no drinks ban. St Gall’s have shown it can be done in the modern era. If I’m posted out to the Hills of Dungloe I’ll be slipping the lads a dram after training.

Down are in fine fettle. This is a county we all manage to get behind unless you’re from the Orchard. Their feats in the 60s will always remain dear to those of a certain generation. Ulster needs a good Down team and under McCartan they should be about for another while. I’d leave this crowd untouched. Perhaps I would advice a form of anti-Australian ethnic cleansing in the county, as they seem to be a target for the Aussie Rules scouts. I suppose it is closer to Australia on the map. Fermanagh on the outside appear to be a county in turmoil. They’re not. It’s a clever ruse to keep the county on the back pages. That keeps the sponsors happy. Don’t forget, Fermanagh are barely a county. They’re doing alright.

Monaghan have never won the All-Ireland. They never will. I don’t think they really care either for a very obvious and understandable reason. In Wikipedia it says, “In 1930 Monaghan beat Kildare in a semi-final to reach the All-Ireland final, where Kerry beat them by 3-11 to 0-2 without their goalkeeper touching the ball.” Seriously, I’d advise the Farney Board to stay away from even attempting to compete in the All-Ireland final, as that stat will only be brought up in the build-up.

Finally, onto Tyrone. They would provide me with the most work. Phasing out the old hands needs careful management and whilst I acknowledge Harte’s ability to do so, it’s like a father cutting the lads out of a will. He grew up in adulthood with them. They provided him with the pride and pleasure you’d associate with a da. Harte simply cannot be asked to break the bad news. That’s where I’d come in. I’d call Dooher et al into a room and hand them a letter saying the game’s up. I’d integrate McMenamin into normal society.

Despite all the above, aren’t we, up here, in a better position than we experienced during the bleak 70s and 80s. Ulster GAA is healthy and although they lose this valuable tool, I still might come knocking. Good luck.